Santa Claus Is Coming To Workout…
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It seems Jolly Old Saint Nick’s tummy that wiggles like a bowlful of jelly is a bad thing…..
This link here details the story that tells of a move in the United Kingdom to slim down Santa at various department stores and malls….
The Brit’s say Santa is too fat—-and he’s setting a bad example for the kiddies… So, they want him slimmed down to teach the kids not to be obese too…
And if he won’t get thin—he’s out as an icon!
But if you’re going to change Santa’s image—you might as well go all the way—and change the whole concept of the holiday…
So, with apologies to Clement Moore, I’d like to present this revised version of:
THE NEW NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS…
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the gym—not a person was there—trying to get themselves thin….
Security had settled down at the desk—hoping the quiet night would give him some rest…
When up on the roof, there arose such a clatter—that the guard sprang from his chair–to check on the matter…
There was a man in spandex so red—buff from the tip of his toes to the top of his head….
I’m here to work out—he said with a smile—and with no crowds here, I can stay a good while…
He then tied a kerchief to the top of his head—and said to the guard, shouldn’t YOU be in bed?
When the guard shook his head, Santa said, here’s what I think—make yourself useful; get me a protein drink…
My abs are quite firm, and my arms aren’t real saggy—because I’ve been toting around that big ‘ole gift baggy…
Away to the StairMaster he flew in a flash—he grabbed the free weights and began to dash…
More rapid than ever his breath soon became–as he whistled and shouted and called out some names….
Yo, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen,bring your flabby butts here and do some good liftin’..
Yo, Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen—if you’re not on the weights, you don’t know what your missin’..
His cheeks were like roses—his nose like a cherry—his workout was over—he was no longer heavy….
He sprang to his sleigh—now moving much faster—to bring girls and boys some brand new thigh masters !
…So, you see with this cultural icon now revised—we can begin to bring Christmas into the globally-warmed 21st Century…..
Boy, I’m so excited now, I can’t wait to update Rudolph the Socially Challenged Reindeer…
—Steve
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